Psychologie Magazine / How to deal with irritations in your relationship?
GRRRR!

You love each other, but sometimes… Sometimes you could strangle him with his socks that are always lying around. Or want to paste her behind the wallpaper because of her constant commentary. Where do these irritations come from? And how do we escape them?

That she doesn’t close doors and drawers. That he never lets you finish your sentence. That she leaves her clothes lying around the house. That he leaves his wet towel on the edge of the bathtub. That she talks a lot and listens very little. That he always thinks he knows better. When Psychologie Magazine asked its readers what irritated them most about their partner, the responses poured in: more than seven hundred people filled out the survey on the website.

At first glance, the things mentioned seem like trivialities, nothing to really get worked up about. When you think of serious relationship problems, you probably think sooner of affairs or fights where dishes are flying through the room than of clothes and towels lying around.

Yet it is precisely these seemingly insignificant irritations that can make or break a relationship. “Irritations with each other” top the list of causes of relationship problems, according to recent research by Korrelatie among five hundred Dutch people in relationships. More than four out of ten respondents named them as the biggest stumbling block in their relationship—ahead of “not being able to communicate well,” “clashing personalities,” and “infidelity.” According to the study, irritations also cause the most relationship stress.

Irritations can therefore be real relationship breakers, discovered American researcher Michael Cunningham and his colleagues at the University of Louisville. He questioned more than a hundred dating couples: how often did they get annoyed by their partner’s irritating habits? He distinguished four types of annoying behavior: crude habits (passing gas, picking your nose, not flushing the toilet); inattentiveness (being late, only talking about yourself); intrusive and meddling behavior (criticizing, bossing around, jealousy); and finally norm-violating behavior (drinking too much, flirting with others). After a year, the researchers called the couples to ask whether they were still together. What did they find? The more small irritations there were during the first round of research, the greater the chance that the relationship had run aground.

The more often you are confronted with that empty toilet roll, the more intensely you react to it.

Secret jealousy

But why do we get so worked up about that proverbial toothpaste cap? In the book Aversive Interpersonal Behaviors, Michael Cunningham compares irritations to a physical allergy. “Irritating behavior, such as bad habits, insensitivity, or meddling, can psychologically cause the same reaction that an allergy does physically. The first time you come into contact with, for example, grass pollen or irritating behavior, it leads to a small reaction. With repetition, it escalates.”

So the more often you are exposed to that empty toilet roll or that jealous behavior, the more strongly you react. According to Cunningham, the reason is that it reminds you of all the other times something similar happened. “Take someone who isn’t very tidy and hangs her underwear to dry in the shower. If her partner gets it dropped on his sleepy head the next morning when he turns on the shower, he gets irritated. That irritating incident can remind him of other frustrating episodes, including his partner’s broken promise to be more considerate.”

Another reason why we explode when we see a sock lying around? “It sounds strange, but sometimes the cause of irritations is jealousy,” says psychologist Jeannette Bolck. “Suppose the house is a mess, but your husband plops down on the couch when he gets home. If that really irritates you, it often means that you would like to be able to do that yourself too: just relax in a messy house. It helps to acknowledge that.”

Fatal attraction

Often, the very traits you initially fell for are the ones that irritate you over time. At first you admired your partner’s relaxed attitude toward life; now you’re annoyed that she’s always late. In the beginning you liked how protective your partner was and that he went everywhere with you; now his possessiveness irritates you.

Researcher Diane Felmlee of the University of California calls this phenomenon “fatal attractions.” “Like a moth to a flame, people can be attracted to aspects of another person that they eventually come to loathe.” This kind of fatal attraction is common, Felmlee says; it occurs in about one in three relationships.

According to the researcher, admiration turns into aversion because someone’s strengths and weaknesses are inevitably closely connected. This is especially true for extreme traits. “Someone who is very successful probably works too hard; someone who is very funny may have trouble being serious; and someone who is very relaxed may be irresponsible. When we’re attracted to someone, we wear rose-colored glasses and don’t see those negative sides—but we notice them more and more as the relationship lasts longer.”

Another reason for the turnaround is that in relationships we have opposing needs. We want to feel connected, but we also value our freedom. We seek novelty, but also familiarity. “We are attracted to traits that represent one of these extremes, which creates tension on the other, unrepresented side. A relationship with someone who is very exciting may feel too uncertain.”

Still, fatal attraction doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship, Felmlee says. “There are couples in my research who are still in love and deeply committed to their relationship.” The secret of these successful couples is that they accept that you can’t have everything in one person. You can’t be extremely successful and never work too hard. Or be very kind and super assertive. Or always funny, but never funny at the wrong moment.

Moreover, these people are aware that what irritates them in their partner is closely connected to what they find attractive. “One man said that stubbornness was what irritated him most about his wife, but he also realized that what he liked most was her strong personality. He was aware that a strong person is sometimes stubborn, and that you can’t have one trait without the other.”

Unconsciously irritating

It becomes destructive when an irritation starts to symbolize something bigger. The first time your partner does something annoying, Cunningham says, you may dismiss it as irrelevant or unrepresentative. But if it happens again and again, you may start attributing it to a negative personality trait. “Each repetition of the irritating behavior then confirms that negative image. For example: he leaves the toilet seat up, even though I’ve told him how annoying I find it. He’s really selfish.”

According to Cunningham, this also happens because we often think bad habits are quite manageable with a little effort. “If your partner doesn’t change, you quickly think that he or she doesn’t think it’s worth the effort.”

Some people even draw conclusions about the relationship itself based on something like a raised toilet seat, says psychologist Jeannette Bolck. “They think: if he keeps doing it, even though he knows it bothers me, then he doesn’t respect me. Or: then he doesn’t love me. While for the other person it carries much less weight.”

So be considerate and pick up those socks if you know they irritate your partner, Bolck says. “But if you’re the one who’s annoyed, realize that your partner doesn’t necessarily have negative intentions toward you. Maybe he has a lot on his mind, causing non-urgent things to slip through. That doesn’t mean you can’t point it out and ask your partner to do something about the behavior.”

Because people are often unaware that their behavior irritates others, Cunningham’s research shows. “While almost everyone could name people they found extremely irritating, only a quarter of our respondents thought they themselves provoked such reactions in others.”

Deal with it

This is also what American researcher Roy Baumeister and his colleagues concluded: when people themselves did something unpleasant, they found their behavior justifiable and saw it as a one-time event without lasting implications. A very different story when they themselves were the victim of someone else’s annoying behavior. Then they saw it as arbitrary and unjustifiable, and believed it had long-lasting negative consequences.

Precisely because irritations—like physical allergies—can trigger increasingly intense reactions, it’s important to address them before they get out of hand. American researcher William Cupach of Illinois State University writes in an email: “An unspoken complaint festers and grows over time, making you increasingly dissatisfied. Important issues that are avoided lead to resentment and remain unresolved. When such issues accumulate, they eat away at the relationship.”

Do these irritations sound familiar?

Do irritations at home also pile up so nicely for you? And how do you reach a solution together? Plus subscribers can submit their questions to psychologist Jeannette Bolck at psychologiemagazine.nl/vraagadvies.

Summer: peak irritation season

Finally—it’s here: that shared vacation we’ve been looking forward to for months. But once on the road, irritation reigns supreme. She drives too fast, according to him; he’s lost his passport again. According to researcher Paul Rosenblatt, irritations can run high during vacations because every couple has an optimal amount of “together time.” When that time is exceeded—as during a holiday—it causes friction.

Rosenblatt studied the consequences of too much togetherness. He found that the marriages of American teachers who stayed home during the summer months deteriorated more than those of teachers who had less daily contact with their spouses—because they, for example, had a summer job.

No desire for vacation irritations? Then take a walk by yourself or dive into a book.

Psychologie Magazine survey

Oh, how irritating our partners are!

What irritates you most about your partner? Seven hundred twenty people responded to this question on the Psychologie Magazine website—627 women and 93 men. A selection of the answers: “Endless chatter about vague topics”; “His ‘background noises’: groaning, sighing, huffing, moaning, clearing his throat, smacking”; “He doesn’t clean the sink drain”; “She talks at me while I’m watching a program.”

Do men and women get irritated by different things? The survey shows that both sexes often get annoyed by their partner’s character or outlook on life. Among men, this category even ranked highest. Among women, however, the top score was their partner’s inattentiveness—being late, for example, or thinking only of himself—followed by laziness in household chores. Men were also particularly irritated by their partner’s intrusive behavior, such as criticism or possessiveness.

We regularly get irritated by our partner: nearly half of website visitors do so weekly, and a quarter even daily. Women get irritated more often than men, although their irritation is not stronger.

This survey also shows that irritations can be real relationship breakers: for about a quarter of men and women, annoying behavior can be a reason to end the relationship.

Keep quiet or speak up?

You’re annoyed with your partner. Do you really need to do something about it? Three questions to consider before you explode:

Do I always find this equally annoying?
Psychologist Jeannette Bolck: “You’ll see that this isn’t always the case. Then ask yourself: what’s different today? Maybe you’re not feeling great or had a lousy day at work, and you’re projecting your dissatisfaction onto the other person.”

Am I the nagging one?
If the complaints mainly come from your side, an ‘parent–child relationship’ is lurking. Bolck: “You then fall into a pattern that leaves you both dissatisfied.” Try, for example, not cleaning up after your partner for once, but leaving the mess—even though that’s difficult. This gives your partner the chance to take responsibility again.

Are the things I want to change really important to me?
“If we were to express all our irritations every day, our partner would become dissatisfied and value the relationship less,” says researcher William Cupach. “Some differences are unsolvable and are better left as they are. Keeping complaints to yourself or expressing them is a balancing act: every couple has to find the right balance.”

How to talk about it

Five tips if you really want to raise your irritations:

Don’t talk about the sock lying around, but about what’s behind it.
Psychologist Jeannette Bolck: “Ask yourself how this irritation affects you personally. If you explode because your partner drinks a beer, he won’t understand that intense reaction—because you’re not talking about what it’s really about, for example that you’re worried about his health. By saying that out loud, you create an open conversation.”

Play the ball, not the man, says researcher William Cupach.
Telling your partner that you find it annoying that her clothes are on the floor is better than saying she’s a slob. Research shows that criticizing someone’s personality provokes resistance, escalates conflicts more quickly, and is bad for your relationship.

Do it kindly, and your message will be received much better.
It sounds logical, but we’re quick to become sarcastic and attacking. Cupach: “Let your partner know that you value the relationship, despite the irritation.”

Don’t complain to third parties.
In an experiment, participants had to write a letter about their dissatisfaction either to another person or to the person who irritated them. Those who did the latter found the irritating person nicer and rated their relationship more positively.

Compensate.
According to relationship guru John Gottman, happy couples have five positive interactions for every negative one. After expressing criticism, make an extra effort to be positive as well.

Text: Marloes Zevenhuizen
Image: Saskia van Osnabrugge