Marie Claire / Forbidden love, let it burn or cease the Fire?
This article describes the dilemma’s of attraction either your best friend or when you are in a relationship already or with the classical ‘bad guy’… Cease the fire or let it burn..?

Burn or Put Out
Having a passionate kiss with someone else or your best friend once in a while should be okay. Or should it? Is it a dealbreaker for the relationship? Marie Claire investigates the pros and cons of four ‘fires’.

Everyone fantasizes about it sometimes. Giving in to a quick fling with a sexy colleague out of lust. Sleeping with your best friend because sparks flew really hard in that one unguarded moment. Or that ex. Wouldn't you, just because you are so familiar with each other, do it one more time? We’ll erase the boyfriend at home for the sake of convenience.

Lust is a brutal killer of rationality. It feeds your overconfidence. Come on, give in to it, it doesn't matter, it will only be a one-time thing. After that, everything will be back to normal. But anyway, the very steadfast among us subsequently sweep their intense feelings under the rug. And mourn on the bike home for what wasn't, but could have been.

‘Infatuation’, as the English call it, is something different from being in love. It really feels like your body is on fire. You are focused solely on the here and now, on all the good qualities of the other person, which you exaggerate enormously in your head. You are no longer open to reason.

There are plenty of reasons not to act ruthlessly on sudden urges. But is it really best to be your good self at all times? Or can going out of control once in a while also yield something good? And within what parameters? We asked four women and a psychologist.

The best friend fire
Milika* (27) slept with her best friend

« Otto and I had met during our studies and hung out together every day. I considered Otto my ‘brother’. Sometimes there was a sexual tension between us, but we didn't act on it. Everything changed when a girl in a club told me she wanted to win him over. The ground fell away from under us. Suddenly I realized that I was in love with Otto; I didn't want him to sleep with her! He did it anyway, and the next day everything was different. As if we couldn't act normally towards each other anymore. A week later he stayed over and I rolled into bed with him. It was now or never. ‘Do you want me?’ I asked. He hesitated, until I persuaded him with the words that it would remain a one-time thing. Long story short: I fell in love, while he distanced himself and stopped responding to my messages. One day I stood him up and told him that I missed him. He replied: ‘Milika, you shouldn’t think that it doesn’t affect me.’ So enigmatic. Unfortunately, things never worked out between us, because he kept avoiding me. I had lost my best friend and my great love.»

What does the psychologist say?
Jeannette Bolck: «A very well-known example. What makes it complicated is that you often don’t know what happens to your feelings after you give in to them. There was clearly something special between Otto and Milika, and he didn’t know how to handle it. I think Otto felt something for her too. Because what he was actually saying is: It affects me deeply. Boys are often very practical in that regard: why should we remain friends if it is so complicated? Milika should have been honest about being in love with him. Then he would have had the choice to act on it.»

For: «It *can* grow into something beautiful. Starting as best friends is a very good foundation for a relationship.»

Against: "If one person feels more than the other or is not honest about their feelings, you put the friendship at stake."

The infidelity fire
Claire (29) was in a relationship and developed a crush on her colleague

“‘This is Jeff, our new financial manager,’ my boss said. I thought I was going to faint; what a hottie. For several reasons, Jeff wasn't an option for me: I had a boyfriend, with whom I was very happy. Jeff wasn't my type at all, way too much of a macho guy. And finally, he was my colleague. Yet he kept haunting my thoughts. What would it be like if he took me right here, on his desk? One evening, I confided in a friend that Jeff turned me on. And that, in order to function normally again, I wanted to give in to my feelings. Just this once. Well, she replied, then just do it, right? If you know for sure that it will be over afterwards? I did it. We kissed in the elevator and finished it off in his office. Well, this was it, I thought, back to business as usual. And that is exactly how it went. The sting was gone, the lust was extinguished. "We remained colleagues, and I kept my relationship, because I saw no reason to tell anyone."

What does the psychologist say?
Jeannette Bolck: "What I immediately wonder is: how are things really going between Claire and her boyfriend? Often there is a reason why you cheat. And afterwards, you are left with a big secret. On the other hand, some people are good at switching gears, door open, door closed. She was also lucky that that colleague didn't want anything else with her. Still, it remains risky business. Women, certainly, fall in love faster after sex than men do."

For: "The peak is over, done with. Giving in to lust isn't always reprehensible; sometimes people just want to be a little unruly. Although infidelity does raise moral questions."

Against: "Cheating isn't pure science. What if you *do* start to feel something for the other person or can't handle keeping the secret from your partner? Moreover, it is a colleague – that could have consequences at work."

The ex fire
Stephanie (26) took a time-out with her boyfriend and called her ex

“Peter and I were in a relationship for six years. Something was missing, but I didn't know what. To figure that out, I wanted a time-out and went to Greece alone. I knew the country well, because my ex Kostas lived there. I sent him a message and half an hour later he was at my door. What I hoped for happened: we jumped on each other. At first, I felt euphoric. Making love on the beach, cruising around the island in his BMW. But after two weeks the feeling faded and I thought: so this was the reason why we weren't together anymore. He is a rich kid and only thinks about himself. I am glad that I put out the fire with my ex. For all those years I couldn't move on because of him; he kept haunting my thoughts. Now I could.” I even found the strength to break up with Peter for good in the Netherlands – whom I never told anything about my romance with Kostas, by the way.»

What does the psychologist say?
Jeannette Bolck: «A time-out means time to think about what you really want. That involves a searching soul. An ex is the ultimate gratification of needs in that case, because with him you can feel good again and live your dream for a while, especially on a Greek island in the sun like that.»

For: «It is a gift, and you have the upper hand, because you create desire and then say ‘bye’. It often gives you insights into what you really want with your life and love.»

Against: «The danger exists that you idealize your ex and start believing in that dream image. Be careful not to burn all your bridges if that is not the intention.»

The wrong man fire
Daphne (32) ignored all the warning signs

"My relationship had just ended and I had a rebellious streak. In that mood, I met Mo. He was called the Al Capone of the nightlife scene because he owned several clubs. My thought was that he was a smooth operator. Until I met him in the pub: 'Huh, are you 'Capone'?' I thought. He actually had a very cuddly bear factor. He started flirting with me, which I thought was funny, and asked for my number. On our first date, he pulled out a bottle of champagne at the cinema. Wow. Because of the attention he gave me, I thought he wanted to commit to me. But we didn't kiss that first night. We did on the second date, but he didn't want me to go home with him because: surely we can wait? He doesn't like me enough, I reasoned. Until he asked me out *again*. And we finally ended up in bed together. I fell in love, but his efforts for me diminished." To him, I was just a ‘dear friend’.»

What does the psychologist say?

Jeannette Bolck: «Run, run, run, as fast as you can! I hear this story often in my practice. The risk of addictive behavior with such a man is high. In the beginning, he is that forbidden fruit, and it feels like a victory when you have managed to trap him. Often, these women also think: he may be known as ‘bad,’ but with me, he is different. Often, that is indeed the case. I call this the push and pull effect. He lures you in and pushes you away. Often, these are men who are at odds with themselves. Some really do have feelings for you, but the bottom line is: they aren't going for you. Daphne should dig into the deeper core of her behavior. After all, such a bad man conveniently keeps you away from the questions that really matter: your sense of self-worth, your loneliness.»

For: "The only upside is that you can learn a lot about yourself by falling flat on your face in front of a man like that." MC0613Fouteman

Against: "He will never like you as much as you like him. And he won't make you stronger, but more insecure."

*The names of the interviewees have been fictionalized at their request

With thanks to Jeannette Bolck.

Text: Jonna ter Veer