Libelle / Why is it so hard to help someone who has an illness?
This article describes how difficult it can be to support a friend who has cancer as well as tips on how to support them best.

It really hits hard when you hear that someone is sick. How awful. If only you could do something, but what? Just being there is the most important thing.

“Okay, maybe I am very selfish,” says Hannelou (38). “I think it’s terrible that my friend Ella has breast cancer, but really, do we have to keep talking about it? In the beginning, I was so shocked that I enjoyed talking to her about it. But over time, I noticed my thoughts wandering more and more often. Then I’d think about groceries. And whether I should just order that nice but slightly too expensive dress I’d spotted online. As I watched Ella’s mouth keep talking, I felt irritation growing inside me. When was she going to ask how *I* was doing again? When were we going to have fun again? It was all so heavy. Actually, I think it’s too awful that I think all these kinds of things, but I can’t help it. I’d love to play the caring friend, but I’m just not very good at it. And above all: I want the old Ella back. I don’t know if I like the new one that much.”

Running away
In an ideal world, we would probably all be full of understanding. We nod patiently, look sympathetically, and know exactly the right things to say when someone is sick and at rock bottom. In real life, offering help is incredibly difficult. Prof. Dr. Manu Keirse is a clinical psychologist, doctor of medical sciences, and author of the book ‘Helping with Loss and Grief’. He knows why we shut down when confronted with someone else’s misery. “It is the confrontation with your own fear,” he says. “One in three people gets cancer. One in ten is chronically ill. So it is very realistic that it will happen to you too. We are all afraid of that. When someone close to you falls ill, it suddenly feels very close. It is a very natural reflex to run away. Away from the misfortune. Yet I advise you to go there and open yourself up. Besides being comforting for the person affected, it also gives you a lot. People who become ill often think a lot about the meaning of their lives. The sickbed is a kind of reflection center. It can be very inspiring to hitch a ride there and think about what is important to you and what you still want to do with your life. It can lead to beautiful conversations and deepen the connection.”

Being honest
Back to Hannelou. She is unable to give the friendship a different twist and deepen it. Psychologist and coach Jeannette Bolck confirms that this is difficult. That friend’s life has suddenly changed so radically that she is no longer who she is. For a friendship, this means the balance has been disrupted. The dynamics are different than they used to be. If a friendship was based on fun, going out, and doing enjoyable things, there is little foundation left. Those kinds of things simply aren't possible right now when you have cancer and are undergoing chemo. However, you should never just stay away. It is better to be honest and say that you find it difficult. You might still be able to maintain that role of fun friend by continuing to do enjoyable things. Taking her to a cafe or going to the movies together. The expectations just need to be adjusted. What was there before, that carefree attitude, cannot exist now. She has been through too much for that. According to Bolck, anyone who is the ‘actions speak louder than words’ type can still mean a great deal to someone going through a difficult time: “If you don’t know what to say, it is perfectly fine to be honest about it. For example, say that you aren’t very good with emotions, but that you would love to run errands for that person. Someone who is ill isn’t waiting for all the visitors to say wonderful and supportive things. It is especially important that you *are* there. People often think in such black and white terms. It is either being there completely, or not at all. But there is also such a thing as a middle ground. Doing a load of laundry, vacuuming once in a while, giving the children a fun afternoon, slipping a pot of soup behind the door—it might not be grand and dramatic, but it all helps. That person and yourself. It simply feels good to do something for someone else. Help yourself by helping the other person.”

Arranging help
This can be done very well together with others. For example, by making a ‘rescue plan’ with other friends and family of the sick person. Many people find it difficult to ask for help, even when the need is great. It is much nicer if it is simply offered. “My friend had to undergo a rather serious operation, which meant she was not allowed to lift anything for six weeks,” says Petra (45). “Even draining a pan was too heavy. She was incredibly worried about it. How was she going to manage all of this at home, with her two children and a husband who works a lot? I then volunteered to be the master of ceremonies for her recovery. There were many people who wanted to help. I sent them all an email asking *what* they wanted to do and when they were available. I created a schedule for six weeks, in which a hot meal was put on the table for her four times a week and the laundry was done twice a week. My friend cried terribly when I told her. She felt guilty that all those people had to do that for her. I thought that was such nonsense! I liked being able to turn my involvement into action. I felt that she was actually giving us a lot, rather than asking for it. She gave us space to be able to do something. That relieved that powerless feeling of ‘you’re just standing there watching.’”

Not too complicated
Moral of this story: we must reach out to the sick person. Even if we don’t really dare. But when exactly? Should you just leave someone alone for a while first, or not? Call beforehand, or just go over there? Maybe a text message is better after all? Or a card? “Don’t make it all too complicated,” says Manu Keirse. “Go over there immediately,” he believes. “If a bomb has dropped in someone’s life, they want people to be there for them. So restraint is really out of place. If you think it’s going too far to just show up at the door, call first. Or drop a card in the mailbox saying you’ll be coming by Wednesday afternoon at four o’clock and that you’d like to hear if that’s not convenient. Never say that someone has to indicate themselves when they can receive you. That means they have to call *you* to ask if you’re coming. Someone who is sick has better things to do.”

Ten tips for talking to a sick friend

• Don't say ‘How are you?’ but ‘Tell me what’s on your mind.’ This encourages her to be more open.
• If there is a lack of understanding, don't just sit there nodding, but ask what she means.
• Ask what she is afraid of. This gives her the space to talk about anything.
• Don't say: it will all be fine. After all, no one knows that.
• Let her talk and don't start talking about your own experiences, or those of the neighbor or an aunt's friend. Usually, that is of no use to anyone.
• Does she just *keep* talking about the chemo? Subtly change the subject. It can be quite nice for her to step away from the misery for a moment and talk about something completely different.
• Respect it if she doesn't want to talk about something.
• Don't say ‘just let me know when you need me.’ That simply doesn't work. People who need help often find it difficult to ask for it. Make it easy by immediately stating concretely what you are doing for her and when.
• Is she starting to yawn? Is she looking pale? Then go home. The quality of a visit is not determined by its length.
• Did you accidentally say something wrong? Don't make a big deal out of it. Apologize or send a message afterwards. Done.

Guarding boundaries
One in four adults cares for someone else for eight hours a week or more. That amounts to 3.5 million people. Of these, 450,000 are overburdened. When offering help, it is very important to guard your own boundaries. No matter how difficult it is, say ‘no’ if it becomes too much. If necessary, ask someone else if they are willing to do it.