Cosmopolitan / A witch of an ex
This article describes how your boyfriend’s ex can try to ruin your current relationship and how to not let her succeed at it.

He is handsome, funny, sweet, and really good in bed. Picture perfect, thought Cosmo’s Marieke (26) when she met her great love. Unfortunately, she could not have known that with him she also got an evil ex as a gift.

Research by Relatieblog.nl shows that 65 percent of exes still argue after a break-up. Even more so when a new partner is involved. That is annoying enough, but there are also excesses: stalking exes, harassing exes, flipped-out exes…

Like the one with Marieke’s lover: “My boyfriend’s ex calls me the devil who ruined her family. She has been shouting that from the rooftops for three years. She ‘forgets’ to mention that their relationship was already over before I came into the picture. Okay, it might not be pretty that I threw myself into a relationship with him so soon after their breakup, but I was madly in love and he didn’t stop me either.

One thing is certain: if I had known this beforehand, I wouldn’t have started it. A man with a child seemed intense to me – after all, he has a child with her – but a man with a dragon of an ex is much worse. She has been controlling our lives for almost three years. In the beginning, I could still laugh about it. We used to joke with friends about how we would get her married again so she would interfere less with us, but by now I wish her ill. which I don't even dare say out loud. I have nightmares about her and am afraid she is capable of destroying my relationship. She seems to be coming up with a new plan for that every time. It started with empty threats of the caliber of ‘I’ll take away your custody’ and ‘I’ll jump in front of a train’, but that has escalated into vicious harassment. Like: if I’m not happy, you’re not happy. She is trying to turn my boyfriend’s child against him. That makes him extremely unhappy. When I see him cry, I break down too. She WhatsApps me about what he supposedly did to her during their relationship. From abuse to visiting sex clubs. Recently, she and I saw each other in person for the first time. In public, she pushed for a bitch fight – including a karate kick – the kind you would expect from the lowlifes, not from two highly educated women. Very embarrassing. The kick didn't bother me, nor did her words, but her look, that I will never forget. How can someone who doesn't even... “Does she really know how to hate me so intensely?”

Little devilish voice
Cosmopolitan Jun 2013-pg.78 Relationship therapist Jeannette Bolck knows exactly where that hatred comes from: “Some women have a destructive way of dealing with grief and rejection, for example because they have experienced a bad break-up before. They have, as it were, a little devil in their head that urges them to point the finger at a culprit responsible for their sadness. The new girlfriend is the easiest prey, because women have a kind of eternal loyalty to their ex. They constantly search for evidence that confirms that the other person is indeed the cause of her unhappiness. ‘She stole my husband’ is less painful than admitting that she and he actually didn't fit together or that she herself may have fallen short in the relationship. The annoying thing about this, however, is that as long as women keep focusing on the other person, they do not get around to grieving, which means their sadness persists.” And as a result, all kinds of primal feelings take over, according to Bolck: “Something surfaces in them that they didn't know about themselves before. A kind of territorial drive. A primal force. Unconsciously, they may be afraid of always being left alone and not being able to reproduce. Feelings of attachment and security are triggered by this. These are childlike emotions, which literally result in childish behavior.”

Scratched car
Sanne (29) is also the victim of a witch of an ex. For four years now, she, her boyfriend, and her in-laws have been stalked by his ex. “They had been together for seven years when my boyfriend made the decision and broke up with me. Their relationship had been bad for years, but she had resigned herself to it because she considered the image for the outside world more important. Not long after they broke up, we started a relationship. Even before she knew of my existence, she was acting strangely. Every evening she stood in front of his house, she scratched his car, and filled voicemails with screams. And then she caught wind of me… The stalking got worse. On Facebook, I was called a whore, and when my boyfriend and I moved in together, she requested all our details from the municipality. She even knew where my parents lived. I heard through the grapevine that she and a friend were holding voodoo meetings for me. And I wasn't the only one who was the victim; my in-laws had to suffer the consequences too. My boyfriend's sister worked under her, so she lost her job quite quickly, and my in-laws were slandered by her. After all these years, they are still afraid to run into her. My boyfriend went to therapy for a while. He only had to see someone who looked like her, and he would break out in a cold sweat. I was never afraid of her and didn't always understand his feelings and reaction. This certainly caused quite a few relationship crises, especially in the very beginning. But we always said to each other: she will never be the reason we break up.

Talking backfires
Sanne’s boyfriend’s ex is currently less ‘active’, “but I always take into account that one day she will be standing at our door again. She just can’t stomach the fact that he, the ‘wimp’ who never stood up for himself in the relationship, dared to leave. For her, it’s an ego thing.” Jeannette Bolck confirms this: “Even if the woman ended it herself or realizes that the relationship was over, she still wants to be his eternal princess and isn’t allowed to let another woman have him. It’s just like sandbox behavior: children also always want to play with the shovel someone else has.”

According to psychologist Jeffrey Wijnberg, many exes also find it difficult to move on with their own lives because they would then be admitting that the other person was right. “It’s as if they hear their ex saying: see, it’s better this way? Aren’t you happier without me? Being unhappy is painful, but admitting that someone you have fought with for so long is right hurts even more.” If you have a friend with a disturbed ex, you are out of luck. As long as she cannot handle her anger, you are the ones who suffer. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to change that. Acceptance and knowing how to deal with it is the motto. Jeannette Bolck: “You shouldn’t try to have a conversation with his ex. Those women are not open to reason – otherwise they would never have behaved so excessively – and they often firmly believe their own story. You even run the risk of starting to doubt yourself because her side of the story is the ‘truth’.” Sending angry messages back isn’t the solution either. “Don’t be tempted to respond, because then she gets the attention she wants. Compare her to a child having a tantrum who wants you to believe it will stop if you pay attention. Everyone knows: next time, it will stomp even harder. Are you still constantly hurt by her actions? Then impress this upon yourself: I am happy, she is not. That she hates me is not meant personally. She is not part of my life as long as I don’t spend energy on her.” In addition, it is also very important that both you and your boyfriend ensure that she does not come between the two of you.

Psychologist Jeffrey Wijnberg: “All that negative energy can create an unpleasant dynamic in your own relationship. Be aware of this and discuss it together. Make clear agreements with your boyfriend about the contact he still has with her. You often see that men give in more quickly because they are afraid of their ex or don't want any hassle. But if your relationship is put to the test, you are perfectly entitled to demand that he handles things differently, even if it is something between him and her. After all, it affects you too. Living with an angry ex is possible, as long as you know that your boyfriend stands behind you one hundred percent. And that he is acting in your best interest, not hers. Remember: the stronger you are as a team, the less likely she is to get on your nerves.”

Even Closer
Call me naive, but I never expected my boyfriend's ex to keep up her fight for so long. Three years have passed, but her frustration remains just as high. By now, I know: she will never want to accept me. I have come to terms with that and now try to spend as little energy on her as possible. If I keep letting myself get worked up, it's 1-0 for her, I think to myself. It is much harder for my boyfriend to let go of the situation. His child is being used as a weapon, and that is unacceptable. Fortunately, after the recent bitch fight, he is finally open to professional help, because he also realizes that things cannot continue like this. The funny thing is that, in the end, his ex has only brought us closer together. If you keep choosing each other all those years, even when things are made damn difficult for you, you really won't let each other go just like that.